I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
