The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
