have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
