Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
