somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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