1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
