Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
