so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
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He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I had your ass I would rule the world
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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