My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
