I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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