Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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