don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
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Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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