i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
