shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
