Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
