First date: that requires underwear, huh?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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