I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
