I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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