no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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