While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
