I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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