Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
