there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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