it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
