dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
