I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
