i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You ate ashes out of my bong
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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