She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
