GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
