Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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