Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
