I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
