If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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