I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
