The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
