where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
