I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
