what day is it and did you see me today?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
