Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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