what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
