Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
