I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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