i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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