i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
