Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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