Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
