note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
