Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
