I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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