Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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