I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if only i could text you this smell
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
