did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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