one two three fourrrrnication!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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