is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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