I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
