So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
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She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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