ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
