I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
