How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
