The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
